Depression, maybe one of the worst things to happen to ones life, it can come and go. I remember the trauma that lead to it.
When I was three, an old neighbor who owned a shop, he touched me inappropriately and gave me a toy to keep me shut. I can still remember him luring me and telling me to be quiet and not to say anything or I’ll get hurt. I didn’t know what to do afterwards, I was scared and just didn’t know what to do. On that day, demons grew inside me telling me I wasnt good enough, that i was worthless. The years afterwards, I became the shy boy who didn’t say anything, I shut people out, I pushed them away, I kept my walls up and spent my time alone. Through my time in elementary and middle school, I did have people I called “friends”, but in the end of the day, we weren’tactually friends, we never hung out or talked about our feelings or our dreams. Everytime after school, I will be just in my room watching TV or play video games with my brothers, sure I spent my time with somebody but I never really had a friend. When I go school, I will hear my peers talking about the times they hung out and what was going on in their life. I was in the outside looking in, wanting to know what a friendship was. I wanted a friend but I was scared I wasn’t going to be liked cause I was seen as the shy boy the whole time. I only had school friends, I never had an actual friend.
Once I went into high school, I realized I was gay and always knew I was, two weeks after I turned 16, I decided to explore my sexuality and I arranged to hookup with an older man and it went all wrong. He picked me up and took me to his motel room where I found out he had two of his friends there, once I saw them I got scared and wanted to go home and not go with it. But I had no choice, they forcibly grabbed me and threw me on the bed and stuffed a pair of socks in my mouth, pinned me down and proceeded to rape me. I remember the eyes, the death threats, the physical abuse and the tears I cried. Once they finished, they took me to their truck and drove a mile before throwing me out the car. I walked the rest of the way home, snuck back into room and cried the rest of the night, my room is in the basement so no one was able to hear me. I wanted to say something to my parents but felt like it was my fault, I didn’t want to come out yet and it happened two days before a family vacation which lasted a month, so I thought it was best if I didn’t cause I would forget about it, so I buried my doubts, my insecurities and my emotions. Once we got home, I only thought about it once cause I had a great time with my family so I didn’t want to say anything to them and make them feel ashamed. I met a guy online and he became a text buddy and soon after I told him about getting raped and being depressed, he told me he couldn’t deal with that and walked away. Maybe that’s why I get so unsecured, I have trust issues why I an why I am, I just wanted a friend but each time I looked around, there was nobody and so I buried everything in a coffin and just left it alone, I never got any help. There were so many nights where I just lied in bed and just cried. I drowned in solitude.
The years after, I was still depressed cause I still had no friends, my brothers had theirs and I felt really alone. I still had my school friends but the number went lower each year and I knew after graduation the ones I still had would no longer keep in touch with me. My self worth got so low, after graduation, I had no plans to further my education or find a job, I didn’t do anything for about two years. My mother talked to me and told me to make something out of my life, I needed that and so I decided to go to pastry school. I felt happy and worthy, now that I made a decision and had support. That year I finally came out to my family and they took it well and accepted me for who I am. I did make friends there but they could only be school friends cause they lived so far away. That did sadden me a bit but I knew that right away so it didn’t completely hurt me. During school i met a guy on Jack’d and we dated for awhile but I was still the shy guy and he quickly lost interest in me and broke my heart, I was devastated, soon after he no longer contacted me. During my internship, I got fired and I felt unworthy again and questioned if I should finish school or not cause I lost some of my passion. I did finish but after graduation, I didn’t get any of the jobs I applied for and I felt even more worthless. I didn’t get a job til October that year and it wasn’t in the field I went to school for, it was a cleaning job. I felt alright the time I worked but after two months I quit cause I felt like I should be doing something better and wasn’t going to further my career in pastry. Again I felt lost and just gave up cause I wasn’t getting any jobs I applied for again, I felt like I wasn’t needed in the world.
I didn’t do anything for the next couple of months, April and July 2016, my parents and I went to Florida to celebrate Easter and just for vacation. The time in July, I decided to redownload Tinder and I decided to reconnect with a guy I used to talk to. His name is Will and the funny thing was that he was also in Florida at that time, we reconnected and I enjoyed chatting with him again. We discussed about meeting each other. I was in Florida until the end of July and when we got home, Will and I kept talking. We decided to meet up and watch the movie Kubo and the Two Strings, afterwards we just walked around and talked, we then went to Chik Fil A and had a milkshake and talked some more. It was so nice seeing him, it was one of the best days last year, I developed a small crush on him, I’m not saying it was love at first sight, I’m saying the day I met him, there was no other guy worth thinking about but him. I had some joy in my life and that night I was tearing up cause it was such a long time since I hung out with someone and felt like I had someone I would actually call as a friend. The only downfall was that he lived an hour away and was very busy with work. We did keep in contact the rest of August and September and felt we both enjoyed chatting with each other.
But the joy I had ended that October, I was talking with a guy on Grindr and felt like he was gonna be a friend too and we decided to meet up, it went wrong. I was catfished and once again raped in my life. The man had a ski mask and gloves on cause he didn’t want to leave a trace on me. Gun in hand he threatened to kill me if I didn’t submit and if I said anything. He did the same thing the other guys did, drove me halfway home before kicking me out and made me walk the rest of the way home. I didn’t try to get the police involved cause there was no way to identify him and no trace of him. I posted my incident on Facebook and Will texted me to see how I was doing and he was mad that happened to me. That day I could feel myself deteriorate. The following weeks, the demons inside me dug up the coffin I once buried. I got weaker and weaker, and the demons took over me. The times I was in the turmoil, I submitted to them and listened to the lies they told me, telling me Will didn’t care about me, that I shouldn’t alive and that the world would be better off without me. I got so depressed, I did something I never thought I’d do, I started cutting myself. Days before Thanksgiving, I tried to kill myself, but I couldn’t do it. Throughout the whole time, I crushed on Will more since I felt comfortable pouring my feelings out to him and he took me as I am with no judgement. He even gave me a cute little nickname and each time he call me that, I would blush and just felt appreciated. So it really hurt when on Thanksgiving night I found out he had a boyfriend. I was so hurt, I thought it was best if I just cut things off with him cause just texting him hurt me. I didn’t know how he actually felt about it but he said goodbye as well. Days after, things were still depressing, things got more depressing when I met up with a guy I used to talk with and he attacked me and slapped me hard. I got away from him and instead of doing anything about it, I was set on killing myself. I couldn’t handle the pain I’ve had stored in me throughout all these years. I contacted Will about this and I don’t know why since we weren’t friends but he was there the whole time for me, I needed someone again and he was the only one. I failed that day and I tried a couple of times the week that came after and each time Will was there trying to convince me not to, each time I wanted to, deep down I didn’t cause I knew Will cared about me and of course my family and I just couldn’t hurt them. Many times I’ve said goodbye and each time I cried because I was so depressed and wanted to kill myself I was never going to talk with this great guy, I felt like I was disappointing him as a friend. Many months we kept in contact but since we only met once, I still didn’t know how to be a friend, but he knew how. One day, December 11th to be exact, I was completely fixated on killing myself, but something happened I never expected, the police showed up and took me to the hospital. I found out Will called then and at that moment, my heart smiled, cause he showed he really does care about me. I was crying tears of joy cause I finally had a friend but I also had a hero. I felt grateful and really wanted to get mentally better, but the demons were still strong and a week later, I went back to being suicidal. Christmas and New Year’s, I had to fake being happy and each time I had a fight with Will cause the whole texting issue he has. I hate how I made him feel bad about it, like he was a bad friend when in fact I was. New Year’s which is also Will’s birthday, he got dumped and I felt terrible for him, I may have a crush on him, even if its not with me, I do want him to be happy. As the days went by, I felt the demons taking over my soul and I just did nothing. I did get some help with the suicide help number I got from the hospital but I stopped calling cause of my demons told me to stop. I started thinking about dying and killing myself some more. One night Will sent me a pic about being gay is a super power and I asked him about what would be his and soon after we talked about how we would be superheroes and have a base in the mountains, what our powers are and what our codenames be, it was cute and just made me smile anytime we talked about it. But things got worst for me when Will told me he was moving to NY, and it hurt me so much cause I felt like I was losing my friend and I was never going to see him again. I only saw him once and I just wanted to see him again and hearing that news, it broke my heart. I really wanted to tell him how I really felt about it but my words will have no effect since we only met once. We did keep in touch but he got busier and when I texted him, I started to get no answer, my demons told me he stopped caring about me, he hated me, he was ignoring me on purpose cause I really wasn’t his friend, deep down I knew he was just busy but my demons wouldn’t let me believe it. Whenever im alone, the demons take over and i habe no control. One of the worst days of my life, I was deep in turmoil, I was breathing heavily trying to breathe but my demons were suffocating me, they took over me and I sent a message to him I never thought I would, I told him I hated him. Right when that was sent, I felt the demons release me laughing, I looked down and saw what I sent and I broke down in tears. I don’t hate him at all. Instead of trying to explain to him why that was over sent, I went to my room and started cutting myself. Will deleted me and blocked me, I could tell he actually hated me, he was finished me and no longer cared. The demons won, they wanted him to walk away, they wanted me to have no one to care about me, they wanted me to kill myself.
A couple of days after that happened, one night I couldn’t sleep, I decided to draw (which I haven’t done since December) and listen to music (I haven’t done that since December as well). The first song that came on was A Dying Star by In This Moment, I began to tear up when it came on cause of the meaning of the song. Once the chorus came on, I completely broke down cause of the lyrics “I could mend my wings” and that’s when I knew I need to get my life back and get mentally stable, otherwise I’m gonna lose more in my life. I listened to nore of theit dongd and many ofntheir songs spoke to me, The Fighter, Big Bad Wolf, Into The Light, Whore, Prayers and Remember. next morning, I contacted someone I went to school with, who’s now a therapist and we talked about everything going through my mind and how I need to overcome my demons, insecurities and not let my feelings control my actions. Lately I been trying to contact Will to talk to him and apologize for all I’ve done and how I treated him, but I’ve failed, he really does hate me and now I’m broken. I am getting better and I have not thought of suicide or cutting myself, but I’m broken inside cause I lost my one friend, he actually did care about me and it breaks my heart.
I hate that I let my insecurities, doubts and my demons ruin my friendship with him. I am so sorry if I made you think you hurt me, that you were a problem for me, you weren’t, I was, this is all my fault and I’m sorry that you treated like you were it. I wish I was stronger that day, I wish was stronger all those days and not thought of suicide and made you worry about me and scared him you. I hate that I made yiu think that I hate you cause I don’t hate you at all, yoy mean a lot to me and now thst you’re gone, it seems like it would be forever cause it feels like it already. I wish I could talk to you one more time and explain everything and just hope somehow you will forgive me for ruining our friendship. I’m scared, I never wanted to lose you, I really miss you. I’ve lost many people I’ve called friend but with you, you were really my friend and it’s killing me that I lost you.
Will, if you’re somehow reading this just know I’m very sorry for everything and I do hope everything is going well for you and you’re feeling well. I’ve written a letter for you and I wish I could share it with you, but it seems like that won’t happen. I’m so sorry Will. I am so grateful you saved my life, I wish you were still in it.